hmmm...

"Sometimes we say, 'God is good,' with tears running down our cheeks." - Dr. Joseph Stowell


"We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same." --Carlos Castaneda, author

I just found this, again. Its still true...

8 Things No One Tells You About Marriage

The surprising, enlightening, and sometimes hard truths we all face after we walk down the aisle — and how they teach us about what love really means.

By Ylonda Gault Caviness


 "...And they lived happily ever after." You're smart. You know life is no storybook. But admit it: Somewhere deep in your subconscious lurk romantic visions of Cinderella, or maybe Julia Roberts. The images may be sketchy and a little outdated, but you can still make out the silhouette of the bride and Prince Charming riding off into the sunset.


In real life, sometimes your Disney fairy tale ends up feeling more like a Wes Craven horror flick — and you're the chick who keeps falling down and screaming for her life. I've been there.
Let's face it, marriage is not for the faint of heart. You want to believe your pure love for each other will pull you through. And it does. But it ain't always pretty.


That may sound grim. But here's a secret: Sometimes it's the least romantic parts of marriage that have the most to teach you about yourself, your partner, and the nature of love. Read on for some simple truths that will unlock the surprising treasures and pleasures in your imperfect, unstorybook, real-life love.

1. You will look at the person lying next to you and wonder, Is this it? Forever?

When you get married, you think that as long as you pick the right guy — your soul mate — you'll be happy together until death do you part. Then you wake up one day and realize that no matter how great he is, he doesn't make you happy every moment of every day. In fact, some days you might wonder why you were in such a hurry to get married in the first place. You think to yourself, This is so not what I signed up for.

Actually, it is. You just didn't realize it the day you and your guy were cramming wedding cake into each other's faces, clinking champagne glasses, and dancing the Electric Slide. Back then you had no idea that "for better and for worse" doesn't kick in only when life hands you a tragedy. Your relationship mettle is, in fact, most tested on a daily basis, when the utter sameness of day-in/day-out togetherness can sometimes make you want to run for the hills. That's when the disappointment sneaks in, and maybe even a palpable sense of loneliness and grief. It's not him. It's just you, letting go of that sugarcoated fantasy of marriage that danced in your eyes the day you and your beloved posed in all those soft-focus wedding photos. You're learning that marriage isn't a destination; it's a journey filled with equal parts excitement and tedium.

Waking up from a good dream to face the harsh morning daylight may not seem like a reason to celebrate. But trust me, it is. Because once you let go of all the hokey stories of eternal bliss, you find that the reality of marriage is far richer and more rewarding than you ever could have guessed. Hard, yes. Frustrating, yes. But full of its own powerful, quiet enchantments just the same, and that's better than any fairy tale.

2. You'll work harder than you ever imagined.

Early on, when people say, "Marriage takes work," you assume "work" means being patient when he forgets to put down the toilet seat. In your naiveté, you think that you will struggle to accommodate some annoying habit, like persistent knuckle cracking or flatulence.

If only it were that easy. Human beings, you may have noticed, are not simple creatures. Your man has mysterious, unplumbed depths — and from where he sits, you're pretty complicated, too. You have to learn each other the same way that you once learned earth science or world geography. And getting married doesn't mean you're done — it just means you've advanced to graduate-level studies. That's because every time you think you've mastered the material, he'll change a bit. And so will you. As two people grow and evolve, the real work of marriage is finding a way to relate to and nurture each other in the process.

"It's like losing weight," says Andrea Harden, 45, of Buffalo, NY. "You want it to be a one-time deal. You lost it, now just live. But then you learn it's a lifestyle. That's marriage. The effort is a forever thing." So don't be too hard on yourself — or him — on those days when you feel like you're struggling through remedial math.

3. You will sometimes go to bed mad (and maybe even wake up madder).

Whoever decided to tell newlyweds "Never go to bed angry" doesn't know what it's like inside a bedroom where tears and accusations fly as one spouse talks the other into a woozy stupor until night meets the dawn. If this scenario sounds familiar, I've got three words for you: Sleep on it.

You need to calm down. You need to gain perspective. You need to just give it a rest. I've found that an argument of any quality, like a fine wine, needs to breathe. A break in the action will help you figure out whether you're angry, hurt, or both, and then pinpoint the exact source. Maybe the fight that seemed to erupt over the overflowing garbage can is really about feeling underappreciated. Could be you're both stressed out at work and just needed to unload on someone. Taking a break will help you see that, and let go. Or maybe you really do have a legitimate disagreement to work out. Without a time-out, sometimes a perfectly good argument can turn into an endless round of silly back-and-forth, rehashing old and irrelevant transgressions as you get more and more wound up. Even when you do manage to stay focused and on topic, there are some fights that stubbornly refuse to die by bedtime. And if you stifle your real feelings just to meet some arbitrary deadline, your marriage will surely be the worse for it. "This was a huge lesson for me," says Andrea. "As women we've been trained to make nice. But the whole kiss-and-make-up thing just to keep the peace was eating me up inside. I'd let things build up inside me until I just exploded. Now I wait a while to get hold of myself — let the emotions settle a bit — and state my position. Even if that means reopening the fight the next day."

4. You will go without sex — sometimes for a long time — and that's okay.

There are few men in the Western world sexier than my husband. And I don't say this because I know he may read this article. I've seen women checking him out when they think I'm not looking. (Honestly, ladies, you don't have to sneak a peek. I don't mind if you stare.) That said, there are times that I just don't feel like having sex — often for reasons that have nothing to do with Genoveso. (See? Even his name is sexy.) I can't lie and say this is always okay with him. But the fact is, there are also plenty of nights when he's not in the mood. So maybe a few days go by when we don't do it. And then a few more. And....

Sexless periods are a natural part of married life. A dry spell isn't a sign that you've lost your mojo or that you'll never have sex again. It just means that maybe this week, sleep is more important than sex. (I don't know about you, but between work, 3 a.m. feedings, the PTA, soccer, T-ball, and everything else, I sometimes crave sleep the way a pimply, hormonal adolescent longs to cop a feel.)

And don't kid yourself; no one in America is doing it as often as popular culture would have you believe. Instead of worrying about how much you think you "should" be having sex, keep the focus on figuring out your own rhythm. "I used to think, What's happened to us? We always used to be in the mood," says 35-year-old Kim Henderson of Oakland, CA, who's been married for five years. "Now I know better. Life happens. My husband just started a new job. He has a long commute, and we have two small children. I think we're good."

The key is to make sure that even if you're not doing "it," you're still doing something-touching, kissing, hugging. Personally, my heart gets warm and mushy when my husband rubs my feet after a long, tiring day. He may not be anywhere near my G-spot, but that little bit of touch and attention keeps us connected even when we're not having spine-tingling sex.

5. Getting your way is usually not as important as finding a way to work together.

I can be a bit of a know-it-all. There, I said it. It's really not my intention to be hurtful or brash with people I love. It's just that a lifetime of experience has taught me that in most areas, at most times, I am right about most things. What shocked me several years into my marriage, though, was the realization that the more "right" I was, the more discontented my husband and I were as a couple. See, oddly enough, throughout his life Genoveso has been under the misguided impression that he's right most of the time (go figure!). So we'd lock horns — often. That is, until I learned a few things.

Namely, that when it comes to certain disagreements, there is no right or wrong — there is simply your way of looking at things and your husband's. "I used to be very black-and-white earlier in our marriage," says Lindy Vincent, 38, who lives in Minneapolis. "Now I see that I'm not all right and my husband is not all wrong. There's more gray in life than I thought, and that's taught me patience and the value of compromise."

The more I get to know and appreciate my husband for who he is, the more I respect his positions. That doesn't mean I always agree with him. But I can see the value in striking a balance that satisfies us both. And instead of harping on how wrong he is, I can usually swallow the verbal vitriol and simply say something like, "I see your point" or "I hadn't considered that." After I sincerely acknowledge his view, it seems to become easier for him to hear mine. And because I know I'm being heard, most of the time now, I don't even want to prove how right I am anymore. Funny how that works, isn't it?

Getting it right... LOL!

6. A great marriage doesn't mean no conflict; it simply means a couple keeps trying to get it right.

Maybe you think that because of my newfound wisdom, Genoveso and I never fight anymore. Ha! As important as it is to strike a balance, it's also important to have a big, fat fight every now and then. Because when you fight, you don't just raise your voices; you raise real — sometimes buried — issues that challenge you to come to a clearer understanding of you, your man, and your relationship. I wouldn't give up our fights for anything in the world, because I know in the end they won't break us; they'll only make us stronger.

7. You'll realize that you can only change yourself.

Ever seen the '80s sci-fi cult classic Making Mr. Right? When the stylish heroine, played by Ann Magnuson, is hired to teach a robot how to act like a human, she seizes the chance to create a perfect guy. A hotshot commercial whiz, she uses her marketing prowess to shape John Malkovich's android character into her personal version of the ideal man — sensitive, eager to please, and willing to listen.

There is a bit of that makeover fantasy in all of us — something that makes us believe we can change the person we love, make him just a little bit closer to perfect. We may use support and empathy or shouts and ultimatums, but with dogged conviction we take on this huge responsibility, convinced we're doing the right thing.

Whatever our motives, the effort is exhausting. Transforming a full-grown man — stripping him of decades-old habits, beliefs, and idiosyncrasies — is truly an impossible task. And you will come to realize, sooner than later if you're lucky, that it is far easier to change the way you respond to him.

Here's a perfect case in point: "I used to go off on my husband because he didn't empty the sink trap when he cleaned the kitchen," says Kimberly Seals Allers, 36, of Bay Shore, NY. "It got me nowhere; my rants only made him resentful. Now I come home and when the kitchen looks clean, I'm like, 'Cool, now all I have to do is empty the sink trap.'"

8. As you face your fears and insecurities, you will find out what you're really made of.

I've got issues. Trust issues. Control issues. And others, I'm sure, that I've yet to fully discover. I guess I've always known I wasn't perfect. But in more than a decade of marriage, I've been smacked upside the head with the cold, hard evidence.

There were clues when Genoveso and I were dating, especially with the trust thing. Early on, I was supersuspicious of him. He used to say things like, "I'll call you at 8." Then, just to try to trip me up, he'd call at 8. I knew he was up to something, I just couldn't figure out what. The same kinds of experiences followed after the wedding. Except occasionally he would actually mess up. And I had no sense of scale when it came to rating his offenses; everything was a major violation. Whether he teased me about a new haircut or came home late, I seethed for days and even let thoughts of divorce creep into my head. I figured, if he loved me — really and truly — this stuff wouldn't happen.

I'd like to be able to say that this irrational behavior lasted only a few months and I eventually worked it out. Kind of, sort of, is closer to the truth. After years of looking deeply into my soul and talking to good friends and the best sister a girl could ever have, I've come to recognize certain things about myself. Not to get all Dr. Phil about it, but I've had to examine my history with an emotionally distant dad and a strong-willed mom and face up to all the ways, both good and bad, that those relationships have affected how I approach my marriage.

I still struggle as a work in progress. But I am completely clear in the knowledge that many of the deepest frustrations in your relationship are an opportunity for you to confront yourself. That can be difficult to accept — after all, it's so much more comforting to keep a running tab of your hubby's deficits and tell yourself that his failings are the only thing standing between you and a better marriage. But if you let it, this bumpy journey toward self-awareness can be one of the more fulfilling rewards of a committed, long-term relationship — you'll learn to love your quirks and be compassionate toward yourself, just as you're learning to do with him.

That's the strange beauty of marriage: It's full of hard times and hard lessons that no one can ever prepare you for. But in the end, those are the things that give richness to your life together — and make your love even deeper and stronger than when it began.

The goal for every marriage!

Oh so yummy lunch!

I was feeling adventurous this afternoon when I started getting hungry for lunch. I didn't really have much around so I had to through something together. The result is superb! I would make this again and again and again! I wanted to remember what I did, so here I am sharing with you all. This would make for enough for one and maybe a child.

Put pasta on to boil. In a medium sized skillet over medium heat, put olive oil, 1/4 lb smoked sausage, some garlic and a few slices of onion. Saute! Drizzle a couple squirts of lemon juice in the bottom of the skillet. Chop some fresh Italian parsley. Cube one large mushroom cap. Combine with ingredients in skillet. Take a can of stewed Italian tomatoes pour enough juice to cover the bottom of the skillet. Dump the rest of the juice down drain. Add a small hand full of the canned tomatoes to the skillet. You want the "sauce" to be chunky and not like spaghetti sauce. Cover. You want to steam the sausage a little bit and let the flavors get stronger over the heat.

Drain the pasta and set aside for a couple minutes. You don't want to uncover the sauce for that time. After about 4 minutes, combine sauce and pasta. Put into a dish and ENJOY! Yumm-o!

This Stain runs deep....

I know I've already posted today, but I know you'll forgive me. Today was a high grieving day for Samson. Its crazy to me how much that little guy has changed me. I never met him while he was breathing. I never got to hear him vocalize sounds or see his smile. Yet His face has stained my soul. I had to work this morning. The daytime people are always curious about my life. They are usually pretty inquisitive. One lady, who just got her minister's licence, hugged me and told me she was sorry to hear about Samson. She let me talk for a few minutes about the drive to Colorado, the funeral, and burial. People who know about Dylan at work always ask about how he is doing. I tell them, "He's getting bigger by the day." My next thought is always but Samson will never get any bigger. They'll ask how old Dylan is. I tell them and think Samson will always be 4.5 months old. After I picked up Dylan from my M.I.L.'s house (mother-in-law), I checked the mail before going upstairs. There was a letter from my mom. It stated that my Aunt Kendra want us to have a copy of their family photo. This evening Andy and I were watching TV. The characters were at a grave site. Their was a bagpiper and they let off balloons. I gasped. I suddenly wasn't in my living room anymore. I was standing next to a tiny white casket watching a 111 balloons float off into the abyss to the fading strains Amazing Grace... I don't think I'll ever be able to hear THAT song again without thinking, "111 days..."

Here's to you little buddy!

How do you hold up?

I know this is silly, but I had to share today. I enjoy using "paper" plates around my house. I don't have a mechanical dishwasher, so the weeks where I know I'm going to busiest I grab a "paper" plate. They are easily throw-awayable.

This week is shaping up to be a busy week. It's just begun! I've made a discovery about "paper" plates. Here are my thoughts:

• "Paper" plates are made of several different materials: paper, Styrofoam, plastic, and cardboard.
• The paper version is usually quite flimsy. Juicy foods usually soak right through them. We can be like this as Christians, if we aren't careful. We have a very specific purpose, but we need to stay focused on keeping the Word's nutritional value open for sharing.
• Styrofoam plates will hold juicy food, but often melts under heat. We need to not forget how important a relationship with God is under the heat of a trail or a microscope.
• The Cardboard version usually does great with holding juicy foods, holds up under heat, and is pretty sturdy. However if you leave it sit for too long with juicy food on it, it will warp away to nothingness. We need to remember the importance of keep fresh nutrition in, on and around us. Time is not the most forgiving of masters. We can get warn down over time with service. Bulk up on some Words from the Lord. Refresh your spirit! No one can go on forever giving without getting a little back.
• Plastic plates seem to hold up the best on the go but still will never compare to regular plate. Be aware of comparisons. We should strive for our best self always, but never covet our brother or sister if we can't be them. They maybe be a paper plate wrapped up to look like plastic on the oustide. :D

Love!

Dana

God's love is like this!

I was just standing over my son looking at his sleeping little body. The covers were all tucked in tight around him. His little chest raising and falling with each breath. Love is an amazing thing. It was with love Andy and I got to help create something unique, a person who hadn't ever seen the light of day before May 4, 2010. It is with love we continue to nurture Dylan. We have the privileged of watching him become big and strong. Love has made me a sort of servant to my son. He has been a huge lesson in humility, grace in mannerisms, and resiliency.

Dylan is to come first. He depends on Andy and me to provide the best we can for him. He trusts us to give him good things. I can't think of a more scary situation than being thrown into the unknown and having to deal with it all. Think about it. The dear boy was in a completely safe environment for nine months. It was warm, mostly quiet, and not to bright. He didn't worry about food. He didn't go to sleep in a specific bed. He didn't have to wear clothes. One day though you make your entrance in the world, EVERYTHING is new. You're cold. You hear noises you don't understand. Its incredibly bright. There are faces and colors everywhere. There are sensations you've never felt before like towels, hands touching you, needles, heat, etc... You learn over time what it all means.

What an odd beast...

I standing at my sink a minute ago doing dishes. It occurred to me I haven't spoken with my good friend, Kena, in days. I know she is very preoccupied with her daughter's pending arrival into the light of day. Under average circumstances, we talk for about 40 minutes a day while running errands or cleaning. I don't blame her for our unusual silence. I feel like I'm watching a cheer leading competition on mute. She is the team I'm rooting for. She been a huge blessing to my sanity.

RAH RAH RE, KICK THE DOCS IN THE KNEES!
RAH RAH RAZZ, DON'T FORGET TO SASS!

While I know this pause in communication won't last forever, it got me thinking about what a strange beast relationships/friendships are. You grow to depend on them. You work at nurturing them. A good relationship/friendship can go awhile without watching the water in the pot start to boil. You know its still there no matter what. The other person will chuckle at your silly stupid moments. They'll laugh at your jokes no matter how idiotic. They will pray for you or with you when you aren't laughing. They'll answer your calls no matter what time of day or night it is and if they miss the call they'll call you back as soon as they are able. Thanks to all the amazing people out there who have been there for me!

Arg!

The last couple days I've had some brilliant ideas for this blog, but alas they all have escaped me in caring for Dylan. They say write what you know, so here it is... Dylan has been ill the last couple days. Let me tell you getting puked on every couple hours has been the greatest thrill of my life. NOT! Here's more details on what he was diagnosed with: The Devil of a Virus!

Andy and I had to take him into the doctor last night. They ended up doing blood work on Dylan because of a strange rash we discovered on his torso. The Doctor was concerned that Dylan might have a low blood platelet count. I'm not sure what that would've meant to us. I tried to do some research. The results were enough to freak me out, so I didn't delve very far. They came back with words like: leukemia, _____ syndrome, and thrombopenia (whatever that is). The blood panel came back with normal counts and consistent with the above wicked virus. Thank the Lord!

We've gone through three bottles of Pedialyte (baby Gatorade), a closet full of clean clothes, and a half a can of spot shot. I've used about 30 diapers (or more) and a half of a bag of wipes. I almost tired of the smell of bananas and apple sauce. We don't have the largest one bedroom apartment ever, so I use these tiny scented bags for Dylan's messy diapers. I can tie them closed real tight and don't have the smell poop permeating the apartment. There are 75 in a box. I have one left. There were a few gone before I left for Colorado. I've had to wash Dylan's bottles like 3 times a day. I normally can get by for a day and a half.

I've officially joined the Mommy club, so GO MEEEE! LOL...

Brain dump.

I had a teacher back in high school introduce a concept called the brain dump. She required we write everyday in a journal without a filter. We were supposed to write whatever popped in your head no matter how foolish, trivial, or genius. This lesson came at a great time in my life. I've since used this tool several times over the years to cleanse my conscience into sweet sleep or beautiful peace or to reconnect with my inner me. I thought I'd try today for you. My apologies if it can't be understood.

Hello. How are you today? this is stupid. I wonder if anyone will read this nonsense. Dylan is finally sleeping peacefully. That swing was a God send! Feel bad about Samson. That boy is never far from my thoughts these days. You're a great lady. The bottles need cleaning. So tired of cleaning up poo and sick off the floor. I hope Andy doesn't wake Dylan when he returns from the store. Oh look. Andy. Ok this was unsuccessful...  Have a lovely day.

December 7, 1941 & September 13, 1814

I'm watching the movie Pearl Harbor. It is my first time watching this kind of movie since having Dylan. It's been nearly 69 years since those attacks. My son will never be part of America's old wars. It doesn't make these movies any less poignant now. Those people were somebody's son or daughters. What has America learned since then? Who knows? We seem to think out of sight out of mind too often. History leaves us painful reminders to not ignore it's warnings. It reminds me of another story...