Monday, October 18, 2010

Sacrifices, Blessings and Directions

I had this thought come to me while I was at church yesterday. I'm not accustomed to public speaking. It could be I'm just meant to write this down. I'm not sure were this will go, but I shall attempt to give it life.

"... From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked." Luke 12:48
Life is full of give and take. We have been given so much. It requires maintenance. As I first time mama, I have sacrificed long showers for shorter ones. I have given up spontaneity for planning. I have given up spending hours on my hair for looking for Dylan's pacifier. I have given up selfish purchases for buying groceries. I have surrendered my voice, so Dylan can have his. I have given making myself delicious breakfasts for a couple pieces of toast or a bowl of cereal, so I can feed that son of mine. I have given up being a couple minutes late for planning to be late, even though I worked for hours to make sure everything was ready. I have put my dreams of becoming a sign language interpreter on hold to hold my son while he'll let me. I have scarified time with my spouse, so we can provide the best we are able for our son. I can't say any of this has been easy, but my heart swells with pride I look at that little miracle.

"For I have not meant to harm you, but to bless you..." 
Bible Scriptures somewhere
Paraphrased by me
Dylan has given me a new purpose. I must do my best. I must be my best self because he is watching me. He will be a reflection of who I am, who I was, and who I will be. Dylan keeps me smiling and laughing. He helps me find a song on a sad day. When Andy and Dylan are together, I get to hear laughter in my house. Dylan has made me want to be more organized in 15 minute stretches. He has helped me discover children's cartoons and that my fingers make great chew toys. I discovered the smallest things are victories: smiles, laughter, tears, head turning/lifting, and eyes that focus.

By your words I can see where I'm going;
      they throw a beam of light on my dark path.
   I've committed myself and I'll never turn back
      from living by your righteous order.
   Everything is falling apart on me, 
      put me together again with your Word.
   Festoon me with your finest sayings, 
      teach me your holy rules.
   My life is as close as my own hands,
      but I don't forget what you have revealed.
   The wicked do their best to throw me off track,
      but I don't swerve an inch from your course.
   I inherited your book on living; it's mine forever—
      what a gift! And how happy it makes me!
   I concentrate on doing exactly what you say—
      I always have and always will.
Psalm 119:105-112
Dylan has been a huge blessing, but I can't say it hasn't been a difficult adjustment. I am so glad that every blessing comes with direction.  No, Dylan didn't come with an owner's manual from the hospital, even though it would have been super helpful. I wasn't given a manual on marriage after children, but I was blessed with people who came to help me. People gave me advice in answer to my questions. There were doctors to answer my inquiries about what was normal. I had other moms from my online community to dish on our children with. Most importantly I've had the benefit of prayer on difficult days. I think that is the best direction I've ever been blessed with.

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