Tuesday, December 28, 2010

What are you searching for?

Today was a smack in the face. It started out fine. I had Christmas money to spend and I was determined to do so. I packed Dylan up into the car. We drove to the mall. I got to walking around looking at potential purchases. I started feeling buyers remorse. I hadn't even purchased anything. How could I? Dylan comes first. My family's needs come before mine. This money gifted to me should go to them. It was then I happened upon a friendly face. It was an acquaintance of mine. We got to chatting. She was asking about my work situation, the family, and my plans for the day. She reminded me it is okay to buy myself nice things once in awhile. I left her little pep talk thinking about her suggestion. I WAS going to do something nice for me. I checked my phone. Seeing I had a couple missed calls I went to find a spot with the highest reception. A conversation and a poopie diaper later, I left the mall with as much money as I came with. Feeling dejected for not being able to justify being nice to me, I drove home.

This season of adjustment with my husband has been extremely difficult for me. Dylan has been a game changer for us. In an effort to not turn this into a gripe fest about personal matters, I will say nothing more, except I thank those people who have helped me be more like taffy. I went searching for someone to understand tonight and found it in the words you wrote me. I am ever thankful for you. You've have given me direction. I think I'll share...

What hopes do you have? My consistent hope is to have a fulfilled life with Andy and Dylan. Ultimately I'd like to have my family serving Jesus with me. This yoke can get heavy at times.
What goals do you have? For years now, I've surrendered my goal of finishing my two-year degree for the good of my family. I want to finish. I've been working for this goal for so long, its like the air I breathe. 
What dreams do you have? I've always wanted to learn to dance. Always.When I was a wee thing, my mom, for religious reasons thought it inappropriate and too expensive. Now that I'm older, it's still too expensive.
When do you most feel fulfilled? I feel the most fulfilled when I am signing, doing genealogy research, or alone taking pictures.
What are you searching for? I am looking for a peaceful secure life. I'd like a little adventure to keep things interesting. I'd like to have a sense of accomplishment at the end of the day. I want to know I've done something to better my environment. Knowing I can't control others, I'd like to just find joy in my daily activities. I long for that ever elusive peace. I don't recall a time in my life where I wasn't walking a tight rope. I want to just fall. I fear that if I do that tight rope will hang me. I soooo exhausted in every way. I want to run again. I want to know who I am. I want to give up. I am tired of trying to please people. I don't know how to live without having to attain approval. I've done it for as long as I can recall. I think it'd be so freeing to not care for just a few hours. I hear my mom in my head often saying, "Dana- you are not an island unto yourself. Your choices WILL effect others." I want my soul to say I am free...

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