Forgive my candid, yet sensitive topic tonight.

I've had several people ask me recently about my beliefs on being gay. I usually don't talk about this topic as a rule, but tonight I can't seem to stop thinking about it. I realize this topic is quite sensitive for many people with the semi-current debates over marriage rights and civil liberties.

Here is how I feel. While I practice traditionalism, I understand how people gravitate to what makes them comfortable. Comfort starts with attraction. Everyone is wired differently. No two humans are created exactly alike. Our fingerprints, our, retinas  and DNA are different from every other person. One thing is universal, we all want to be loved in our own way.

Enter religion. Religion states homosexuality is sinful at the same time declaring comfort, love, and attraction are from God. Belief seems to make sane people stupid when homosexuality is added to the picture. They seem to forget the human behind the lifestyle. Many "Christians" seem to forget that the Almighty Himself is love's essence. They forget about the grace they have been given. It's forgotten Heaven is equal opportunity. The bible urges for "whosoever will to come." People we are NOT the maker of heaven and earth here. We don't have the final say over who gets to party beyond the pearly gates. My life and yours are on display. We all answer to how we live our lives. Are we kind to one another? Do we love as we have been loved by the Alpha and Omega? Do we honor our father(s) and mother(s)? Do we care for the orphans and widows? Are we are best self in times when it was the hardest to do so? Do we respect our elders? Do we get road rage with a "Jesus loves me" or your favorite Christian music station sticker on our back window? Do you follow the laws of the land when nobody is watching?

When you are hurting and vulnerable, you don't really care whose hand helps you up. Some of the times in my life when I need love the most, the hands that were being Jesus-with-skin-on belonged to homosexuals or wiccans or agnostics or atheists. They scooped me up and spoke life in my dark places. God can use the most unlikely individuals and/or situations to be your salt and light. What's my point? I don't care if you are homosexual, transgender or a traditionalist. I am not your judge. I don't care what you do behind closed doors, as long as you are hurting someone else (that would include yourself).I care how you treat those around you. I have just as much of an opportunity to walk on streets of gold as the human on the other side of the room. It doesn't matter what my comfort level is with how you live your life. If you respect me, I'll respect you. Period. End of story. See you in Heaven (if you so choose).

This is funny!

Smiles are jewelry!  Here are a few things that make me chuckle. Props to whomever was clever...
Something that makes me smile without fail. Watch "Pixar Mouse-- I Believe In Miracles" on YouTube

Don't feel clever right now.

I haven't written in some time. Don't shoot me. We finally moved into our new house a week before Christmas. The place is nice. We are settled and attempting to agree on decor. My spouse enjoys neutrals- browns, tans, grays, and whites. I enjoy bold and classy colors- yellows, teals, greens, blues. He wants things to match. I like accent walls. He likes leather and/or fluffy. I like clean lines, modern, in like microfiber. He doesn't care about woods matching. I like darker stains in wood. The one thing we agree on is no loose pillows to lean against on our furniture. Right now the walls are white. We shall see how long I last staring at them...

I am in the process of becoming a licensed daycare provider from this home of ours. The process is super intense. There are doctors, radon specialists, CPR/first aid/bloodbourne pathogen classes, safety inspectors and fees for this/that. I have to come up with emergency escape plans, meal plans, and activity plans. I need proper nap spaces. Those are just a few of the steps. Once I am approved, I'll need to find kids...

I am looking forward to getting away for a long weekend in Vegas at the beginning of March. My mental health could use it. Turning over a new leaf has been catching up with me. I am attempting to trust in places I doubt. I find the Scriptures disturbing with all the talk about murder, homicides and favoring of some people, or groups of people, over others. I am angry because I don't want to believe in the creator anymore, but I find comfort in some of the promises. The people who tell me to just pray about it and let God lead me are so seemingly sure about walking in/with faith. I am just trying to find what my new me looks like, while I am walking backwards upside down on shifting sand. I am attempting to be level headed and faithful for my son that is watching me. Ugh. So. Exhausting.

Had Dylan checked the other day for speech delays. We had suspected a slight delay because we can't understand him when he strings words together. They confirmed our suspicions. I was disappointed. I love the kid with my all. He'll be 3 in May. I grew up going to school in all the classes with ADHD kids, so I could receive extra tutoring for my own learning challenges. I had hoped Dylan wouldn't have to face that. My son has tons of untapped potential still but is flawed. I don't love him any less for it. They are going to start working with him now to get him ready for school. I am seriously hoping this will be enough, so when school arrives he doesn't have to be put in similar classes like mine.

Bless You Lord

Are you dancing with joy?

At church right now, we are being challenged to deal with some hard issues. The pastor started teaching a series on "vampires: loving the people who suck the life out of you". The premise has been about God's desire for us to have an abundant life because that is why he came. The series so far has dealt with forgiving those who have "sucked the life out of you" through not being as loving as we feel they should be or uncontrolled anger. It has dealt with taking the habanero out of my honey. (The words I thought were sweet but burned the hearer.)

What to do?

"Perhaps the hardest part of being released from prison is knowing what to do with your freedom." 

-Rachel Held Evans

I totally agree with this statement. I spent the last 29 years of my life being told how to view the world, the people in it, and what I couldn't do to show those around me Christ. I'm having to re-learn how to relate to those I encounter- my husband, my son, my fundamentalist family, my co-workers, and my fellow church attenders. People don't think like I was was raised to think. It feels like everything that wasn't permissible before is permissible now. How do you take freedom with moderation? I feel as if I take anything from my pre-grace life, I'll be wearing a neon-lettered sign stating where I've been.

I am finding fear and grace don't mix well. I've been afraid for so long. It has become a habit for me. How to I learn to trust, instead of being afraid of being hurt again? How do I relate to this awesomely terrifying God who wants the best for me but would condemn me for unrepentant sin? 

Bryce Wilkins

Here's looking at you kid...

Half the congregation at his funeral...

As I sit here in front of my computer, some 1,100 miles away a funeral is happening. I don't understand why this had to happen. It seems so senseless. I've got questions and very few answers.  You see early last Saturday morning my cousin couldn't take the pressures of this life anymore. He decided it was time to breathe his last breath. I'm angry at myself for not knowing him better and for not reaching out to him. I'm angry at him for not calling (to my knowledge) anyone in the family. I may not have been as much apart of his life as I should have, but if had just called I would've opened my home to him no questions asked. That what family does. They help out when someone is in need.

Now I'm supposed to go put a date in our family ancestry records. I don't want to. Here is what I have to post in ancestry.com.

I never understood

I've heard the phrase, works based faith, for years. I have no idea what that phrase means. People claim you can't be saved by your works. I think that is hooey. The bible has countless examples of act done by individuals who went above and beyond, which made them whole. Ninety percent of the major or minor characters, I can think of who's story is told in the Good Book, did something to save someone or save themselves through faith.

• Moses plead with God for his chosen people. It changed God's mind and SAVED the children of Israel from destruction.
• Noah built an ark.
• Easter left her family to go be pampered and save her people.
• David killed Goliath, married the king's daughter, became bros with the Prince, ran for his life, worshipped a lot, etc.
• Abraham got down and dirty with his his good ol' girl.
• Samuel answered the call of God.
• Hannah dedicated her son to the Lord and gave him back for service to him.
• Prophets prophesied.
• Mary and Joseph obeyed.
• John ate bugs and honey. He preached.
• The fisherman left their nets.
• Good ol' Zach, the wee lil' man, climbed a tree, ate with a rabbi, and paid people back.
• That woman touched Jesus' hemmed robe.
• The sad daddy found Jesus for his daughter.
• The nice guy on the other side of Jesus being crucified opened his mouth.
• Jesus' friends wrote some words down, so we could know their friend.

These were all acts based on faith. Faith that salvation would come to those who believed it could happen for themselves and others. We are save through faith AND works. One without the other is like the ocean without salt. If you find it, you aren't at the ocean. Do work.

New Employment

I got a new job! I thrilled about it. I'll be working weekend evenings for a grocery store photo/media department. I've handed in my two weeks notice for my former job. I will be done there on the 21 of October! Can we say WOOT WOOT!?!?

Today I got a sitter for my son and my friend's son to go fill out new hire paperwork and hear about store policies, etc. There comes a time in the new hire paperwork I dread. Every. Single. Time. It's the part where they ask you three different ways what your racial background is. It really isn't any of their business as long as I come to work on time, do my best work, and leave customers as satisfied as possible. It bothers me to think there is someone somewhere could be tallying how many women/men are employed for their company and of what racial origin they descend from. I imagine someone sitting behind a desk in some cubicle saying we have x-number of Hispanic women and y-number of African American men. We have met our quota and shouldn't hire anyone else to throw off the balance.

Why is it that I can't just be American? Why do I have to be Caucasian or of something decent? I was born and raised on American soil. My ancestors have been born and raised here for a couple centuries. That would make me of American descent! I love it if you were born on foreign soil and moved here! Claim your heritage. Celebrate it! I won't discourage you from claiming you are Hispanic American or African American or Russian American, if that is the case. This is such a pet peeve of mine to have to not put on every survey for employment or other things AMERICAN! American is, has been and always will be a melting pot of cultures and beliefs. It has made us who we are. It is why I dig the thought of places like New York and Los Angeles! You have Chinatown sitting a few streets over from Little Italy. What is not to love about that? American has many problems, but it runs in my blood next to the oxygen. I'm not claiming that we are the greatest nation either. I just want my hertiage to be recognized. And dare I say it, celebrated!?!

Nobody told me...

This morning we woke up earlier than usual. I was checking my facebook. I found this blog from a website I discovered before Dylan was born. It was/is a place to talk to other parents about... well everything related to prenatal care, to caring for children, and relationships with your (for some in-)significant other. This morning's blog made me laugh and appreciate parenting. Here it is, if you are interested. These moms were dishing about the things nobody told them about raising a toddler. I think my favorite was about brand new carpet and a toddler getting into some paint...

Here is my list of things nobody told me about parenting (or perhaps I've been told only to forget):

Baby signing time characters

• My life would revolve around someone else's daily pillow time, bathing, bowels and belly.
• I would become a preschool teacher. (...and love it!)
• The flushing of the toilet could provide hours of entertainment if allowed.
• I could be nice at 2am, oh... 3am, oh my... 4am, oh-you-take-him-am.
• By encouraging bilinguality, dancing and music, I'd be listening to countless hours of Yo Gabba Gabba, Baby Signing time and other assortments of kids shows/music.
• I'd wake up in the middle of the night with the music from the above shows playing on repeat in my head.

Yo Gabba Gabba Characters

• I'd come to love half-words/sentences like og (dog), ca (car), ish-is (fishes), ake-up (wake-up), dat ca top (that car stopped), I do ood (I do good) and cho-cho.
• Brushing teeth is a fun activity.
• I would watch things on TV and relate it all to my child's future or present. I have a hard time watching the news, movies about soldiers/criminals, etc.
• Holidays are more fun with a child/ern.
• Every scribble with a crayon is a brilliant work of art.
• Sidewalk chalk is easier to get off walls than acrylic paint.
• Hair brushes make great spoons for stirring toilet water.
• Toilet paper floats in the sink.
• My son would be better with technology (phones, tablets, Iphones, cameras, dishwashers, etc.) than me who grew up with computers.
• I would become a Jungle gym to climb up, on, or over whenever I moved.
• Hearing music with babbled words would be just as sweet of the sound of laughter and restful breathing.
• I would go to the store or gas station or pretty much anywhere without my sweet kiddo and feel like I was on vacation.

Some cute kid with a dog.

• Everything from eating, cooking, cleaning, getting coats on, to putting my own socks on would take about 15-30 minutes longer.
• Dogs would be cause for giggles and be one of the most interesting topics ever.
• I would argue with my son over who gets to vacuum, sweep, and use the steam mop.
• I would feel truly helpless when my son is sick and even more so when I am sick.
• I would have a kid who loves tomatoes and onions, but wouldn't like most red meat, eggs or cheese.
• Apparently texture in food is everything!
• I'm an engineer-rocket-scientist-president-astrologist-billionaire-driver-maid to my kid. Who knew?

This is just a few out of many things, but I'm sure you get the idea. Have a good day!