Toughie, the MOPS kid...

Change creates stress even in the best of circumstances! It's no surprise, with all my conversation with my present and future self, I am feeling the effects of it all. The following email mirrored my heart at the moment I needed to "hear" it. I thought I'd share.

Toughie

by Alexandra Kuykendall, mom of four

“My name is Toughie” 3-year old Gracie insisted from her car seat.

“No. What’s your REAL name?” her older sister pushed back.

“Toughie!” Stubborn, as her new nickname insinuated, Gracie wasn’t going to back down.

One morning a few days earlier, our family activity was a mile and a half hike through the woods to a lake. Our two older girls walked, ran and jumped over tree stumps in the path while the younger two rode on their parents’ backs.  We didn’t get far before stubborn Gracelynn decided she wanted to be like her older sisters and, as she said, “hite.” With her own two feet.

Out of Derek’s backpack, she ran to catch up with the older set. Her toe caught on a tree root protruding in the trail and she fell on her hands and knees.

"Her father told her who she was
and she not only believed it,
she had become it."

“Come on Toughie,” Derek said as he picked her up, “that’s part of hiking.”

She looked up at him and I could almost see her internal processing. If I want to hike, and I do, then I need to put up with the falls. And there were more falls. Four more if you count them by the scrapes that were left on her knees. At every fall we called her Toughie and cheered her on and every time she bounced back up proving she was up to the name. Absorbing her new persona. She WAS Toughie.

“But what if on the first day of preschool she’ll tell kids her name is Toughie?” her older two sisters worried in the car days later.

Gracelynn’s ears perked up. Preschool? She could carry her Toughie image there too? I again could tell the internal wheels were turning.

Her father told her who she was and she not only believed it, she had become it. I pray this will always be true. “It's in Christ that we find out who we are and what we are living for”. –Ephesians 1:11
  
 

Lord, help me to hear who YOU say I am. I want to absorb it and become it.

Its about a conversion into Grace People!

You may not like it. I didn't ask your permission because I do not need it. My appearance doesn't make me holy. Its the attitudes of my heart. When we our heart attitudes are where they should be, "God’s Spirit makes us loving, happy, peaceful, patient, kind, good, faithful, gentle, and self-controlled. There is no law against behaving in any of these ways." (Galatians 5:22 &23 CEV)

Growing up UPC from day one has given me strength and taught me things I wouldn't have otherwise, however it also got me picked on in school. I was often pushed in the hallways, pointed at, and whispered about the girl with the really long hair/skirt who got to go into special tutoring classes. I wasn't allowed to be evolved in things I could have been good at because I couldn't wear a skirt doing it. I often felt ostracized from everyone else. My mom would always say being different was the point and we were supposed to be separate from the world. My friends didn't often invite me to their birthday parties because I was always at church. I feel like I missed out on having solid relationships with those who didn't attend the UPC. I had a friend, Hope, hand make me a necklace back in 5th grade (I still have it), She was so excited to give it to me. I opened the little box. Thanked her kindly but explained I could never wear it due to church rules. Her facial expression still haunts me sometimes when I see that necklace. I hurt my friend by not using her gift as it was intended. Or the time I wore make-up for a school play. I really liked it so much it scared me. I haven't worn any since.

With that said, I wish I were brave enough to go style my hair. I really despise being afraid of people's reactions good or bad. I've told people for over ten years I struggle with all this appearance stuff. I'd asked for advice from people I respect/ed in the UPC (United Pentecostal Church) for the entire time about hair, make-up, and jewelry. I received lots of well thought out replies. It was/has boiled down to how separate do I wanna be/stay? Does my "being separate" keep me from love, joy, peace, kindness, etc that could come my way? God and his grace are enough to save me and my little family. He doesn't want to harm us.

What's my point? Things are changing for me. One day in the future, I may not have long uncut hair, not wear jewelry or be make-up-less. That doesn't mean I've forgotten God. It doesn't mean I don't remember the bible or the preaching or all-night prayer meetings. I still feel God's presence often and am challenged by it. My goal is that my heart behaviors match the fruits of the spirit where ever they lead me. Modesty will still be a priority for me.

So if I look like this.

Or like this. Remember your words can leave scars.
 Be wise with them.

You will be known by your fruit

Anyone who has lived for more than a few years knows what an important thing a reputation is. There are so many bits of wisdom we use to make this blatant. Sayings like: "Your reputation precedes you" or "Make a good first impression" or "Your first impression is a lasting impression". We say these things in warning. It is the hope this wisdom is heeded to, so when our reputations are presented to us they show us the kind of person we think we are.

God has an incredible reputation! The  bible says in 1 John 4:8, "God is love." Love is described in 1 Corinthians 13, "Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous, boastful or proud. Love is not rude,  it is not selfish, it doesn't keep record of wrong doings. It doesn't take pleasure when others grovel, it takes ecstasy in the flowering of truth. Love puts up with anything. Love never gives up. It always looks for the best and never looks back, but keeps going until the end." This is the type of character we should aspire too.

The past week has been an emotional roller coaster. My extended family is in town. These are the people who have supported me through much of my life. While I'm coming into a change of view points, I still respect them for their strong spiritual convictions and am a touch jealous about their certainty. I have tried very hard to not bring up my church attendance knowing most of my family wouldn't be pleased. Some of them have been understanding and others reacted as I expected. The result is exhaustion. I have 2 more days...

Truly mind-blowing...

There is a God. He is enough. I think we limit God by trying to define him as one, two, three or 8205479. He is infinite, so why try to box him up? He cares about us and is curious about how/when we will respond to Him. His promises are true and don't come back empty once He has made them. He wants us to live in HESED.

Hesed:
1. is unmerited compassion toward one another.
2. creates an “echo” effect of God's true nature toward us and our response back to him.
3. Hesed cannot stay stagnate. It requires action. Its so contagious. It has to grow in you. 
4. It cannot exist without community. This seed of all things good wants to be spread to others.
5. Hesed is something you do, not something you say.

This concept has me so excited. I feel like I'm buzzing. I start thinking of scripture. Hesed is God's character. Its tangible. AHHH! Words are not enough to get this across! It is totally cool and now I'm going to bed. Good night!

Changes...

Many of the people I know are not going to like this. I don't expect them to. Here it is: we are going to an Assemblies of God church. I need to spiritually heal, before I can be a help to anyone. I am working at searching scripture to reconcile things I see there with things I've been taught. It is better for me to go somewhere than no where. I know you feel strongly about what it is you believe. I respect you for it. Please pray blessings of wisdom, understanding and healing on us through this journey. I know God has this in his hands:

God has knows the names of these little guys.

Fairyfly is the smallest insect/animal in the world. It can fit through the head of a needle.

He also has us, so worry for nothing...

The roots run deep

Today I woke up thinking about everything that has happened over the last few weeks. I had made promises to go to the home missions church here in town. I really didn't want to go. My hubby had a side job to do today. I went. The people there were so happy to see us. We went to eat after church and the pastor picked up the tab for us all and we chatted as I was headed out the door. He told me he doesn't play with church politics. They didn't own me. He give me the choice to go somewhere else without hard feelings, if we weren't finding what we need here. What a relief!

Tonight I went out to my back yard. Its planting time here in Southwestern Michigan. I wanted to clean up the maple tree seed pods and loosen up the ground to plant some pretty flowers. I think I got more than I bargained for. I raked up most of the pods. As I was breaking up the dirt, I found these roots just under the surface. It occurred to me we are all connected like these roots. The more I dug I realized most of the root systems belonged to my neighbor's bush and a bush whose top had been chopped off.


I started to get a different sort of picture. Bitterness is like a bush with the top cut off. If not dealt with properly, roots continue to grow just under the surface. Dig that life sucking force from your heart, so good things in your life can grow. I want you to have the simple joy of watching beauty flower in all aspects of your existence! Happy gardening...

Changes

Some of the longest walks you will ever take are the ones in which you know change is on the other end. I've taken several of these in my 29 years: the walk to the alter to declare my faith, the walk into school my Senior year knowing my parents would most likely never sleep in the same room again, the walk at graduation, the walk to tell my mom I was moving to Michigan, the walk down the aisle toward my soon-to-be husband, the walk I took once the pregnancy test was positive, and the one when I climbed in the car with my newborn son. These and a few more I don't care to share were pivotal moments in my life.

Two Sundays ago, I made the journey into my pastor's office. I knew he wouldn't like what I had to say. I've attend this church for the past eight years. I've come to a crossroads. Do I put my big girl unders on and walk away from hurt, frustration, and change? Or do I stay and turn a blind eye to the things that didn't want to stop staring me in the face? I walked into his office resolved to make changes. After a few words, tears and apologies had been made, I walked out broken not wanting to talk to anyone.

Fast forward to Mother's day. I spent the day with my family feeling relieved not having to answer to anyone but God. It was a freeing to know I'm loved by my husband and son. I worked outside pulling out the weeds (both literal and emotional) and singing old hymns. I put mulch down to protect the good ground and felt good. I have a sick rose bush. I will nurse it back to health, as I work on my self. By being nature, I can see life in action through the words of the Savior from Matthew 13:

“A farmer went out to sow seed. ⁴ While he was scattering the seed, some of it fell by the road. The birds came and ate all that seed. ⁵ Other seed fell on rocky ground, where there was not enough dirt. It grew very fast there, because the soil was not deep. ⁶ But when the sun rose, it burned the plants. The plants died because they did not have deep roots. ⁷ Some other seed fell among thorny weeds. The weeds grew and stopped the good plants from growing. ⁸ But some of the seed fell on good ground. There it grew and made grain. Some plants made 100 times more grain, some 60 times more, and some 30 times more. ⁹ You people who hear me, listen!” 

I don't know what the future holds. I am just fine with that. One thing is for sure, life is way to short for you to allow people to treat you poorly no matter where that is. I make no promises to where my next church home will be, until then I will attend a home missions church here in town. I will talk to anyone I like about this situation because we are all sinners. Nobody is perfect. If God can use a donkey, I can hear him speak through anyone who makes themselves a vessel.

Pinterest and 2 candles

For you Pinterest people, you know what I'm about to say is beyond true. For those who don't know what Pinterest is, it is an online bulletin board where you can pin pictures of things you find attractive. Most people on Pinterest pin pictures of food, crafting items, dream house ideas, good quotes, clothing, etc. It is so addicting to my inner visual artist! I did find this on there the other day and thought to share it in honor of my son's second birthday today. It is perfect.

?

If you read my last blog post, you may be able to tell I'm rather hurt and angry at my current church situation. One minute I'm spitting bullets trying to fix the world. The next minute I am feeling guilty for not being the bigger person in private. The most overwhelming feeling I have is a numb dull ache toward all things God. I hear scripture or someone talk about the goodness of the Lord. I mentally go to to the door of my heart, shut the door, and lock up tight. Hurting sucks. I want to be free again, but only in a spiritually hospital. They can help bandage me up, give me the proper meds, and let me be on my way again. There are moments these days when the door is ajar. I attempt to let a little peace squeeze through to my heart.

As a Deer pants after water, so my soul longs after you.

This brought tears to my eyes tonight:

Trust His Heart
All things work for our good
Though sometimes we can't
See how they could
Struggles that break our hearts in two
Sometimes blind us to the truth
Our Father knows what's best for us
His ways are not our own
So when your pathway grows dim
And you just can't see him,
Remember He's still on the throne

Chorus:

God is too wise to be mistaken
God is too good to be unkind
So when you don't understand
When don't see his plan
When you can't trace his hand
Trust His Heart

He sees the master plan
He holds the future in his hand,
Don't live as those who have no hope,
While our hope is found in him.
We see the present clearly
But he sees the first and last
And like a tapestry He's weaving you and me,
To someday be just like him

(Chorus)

He alone is faithful and true
He alone knows what is best for you

(Chorus)

When you can't trace his hand
When you don't see his plan
When you don't understand
Trust His Heart

Tiny Chairs and Aesop's Fables

Dylan at Cracker Barrel in June of 2011 sitting in a kid's rocking chair.

I was picking up my son's room this morning. I found a book of Aesop's fables I was given back in grade school sometime. I sat down on the edge of this kid's sized green rocking chair. I was taking back to the smell of my old classroom- recycled air, books and chalk. My little self had even see the wisdom back then. I saw I had written in my childish scrolling "Yes" or "No" for each fable which stood out to me. Twenty some odd years have past, since that time. I've move several times picking away and unpacking the wisdom found in this little book's pages.

Today sitting in that tiny chair, I wanted to amen Aesop. Church attendance and attempting to live a Christian way of life have been a Cornerstone for my life. I find myself  feeling a bit stuck and tired these days with some of the things I see happening in church congregations across the board. We have forgotten what it is to be the hands and feet of Christ. We have forgotten the widows and orphans. It is too often we turn a blind eye to the pain surrounding us in the local and international communities. We take up offerings and tithes for buildings we can't afford. We talk about growth while forgetting about prayer, friendship, and fellowship. Families are left in the wake of ministry and good ideas. Our children are forgotten while we are so busy with stuff. Children ARE to be the focus when they come into our lives. They aren't to be a nuisance. I don't always see the people who preach practicing the things they speak about. It is incredibly frustrating.

I talk to myself in this too because I am guilty. I am the church. I need to be the change I want to see with a good attitude. I get this. Attitude affects perception. While I am responsible for my actions, I'd like to see others be better too. I want to find the best in people. I'm been searching for a place to attend services in hopes I find things done better. While reading dear ol' Aesop, I came across this:

The Boy who Swam in the River

One warm spring day, a boy was walking along the bank of a river. The water looked so inviting he took his clothes off and dived in. The river current was very strong, and soon the boy was in danger of drowning. Just then a traveler came by. He saw the boy struggling and began to scold him for going swimming in the river so early in the season. 
"Oh, sir!" cried the boy, "pray help me now then scold me later. At a time like this, advice without action is useless."

I spoke to me strongly. I hoping for more from believers. I want believers who go back to the basics of Christianity. Lord, help me find it!