?

If you read my last blog post, you may be able to tell I'm rather hurt and angry at my current church situation. One minute I'm spitting bullets trying to fix the world. The next minute I am feeling guilty for not being the bigger person in private. The most overwhelming feeling I have is a numb dull ache toward all things God. I hear scripture or someone talk about the goodness of the Lord. I mentally go to to the door of my heart, shut the door, and lock up tight. Hurting sucks. I want to be free again, but only in a spiritually hospital. They can help bandage me up, give me the proper meds, and let me be on my way again. There are moments these days when the door is ajar. I attempt to let a little peace squeeze through to my heart.

As a Deer pants after water, so my soul longs after you.

This brought tears to my eyes tonight:

Trust His Heart
All things work for our good
Though sometimes we can't
See how they could
Struggles that break our hearts in two
Sometimes blind us to the truth
Our Father knows what's best for us
His ways are not our own
So when your pathway grows dim
And you just can't see him,
Remember He's still on the throne

Chorus:

God is too wise to be mistaken
God is too good to be unkind
So when you don't understand
When don't see his plan
When you can't trace his hand
Trust His Heart

He sees the master plan
He holds the future in his hand,
Don't live as those who have no hope,
While our hope is found in him.
We see the present clearly
But he sees the first and last
And like a tapestry He's weaving you and me,
To someday be just like him

(Chorus)

He alone is faithful and true
He alone knows what is best for you

(Chorus)

When you can't trace his hand
When you don't see his plan
When you don't understand
Trust His Heart

Tiny Chairs and Aesop's Fables

Dylan at Cracker Barrel in June of 2011 sitting in a kid's rocking chair.

I was picking up my son's room this morning. I found a book of Aesop's fables I was given back in grade school sometime. I sat down on the edge of this kid's sized green rocking chair. I was taking back to the smell of my old classroom- recycled air, books and chalk. My little self had even see the wisdom back then. I saw I had written in my childish scrolling "Yes" or "No" for each fable which stood out to me. Twenty some odd years have past, since that time. I've move several times picking away and unpacking the wisdom found in this little book's pages.

Today sitting in that tiny chair, I wanted to amen Aesop. Church attendance and attempting to live a Christian way of life have been a Cornerstone for my life. I find myself  feeling a bit stuck and tired these days with some of the things I see happening in church congregations across the board. We have forgotten what it is to be the hands and feet of Christ. We have forgotten the widows and orphans. It is too often we turn a blind eye to the pain surrounding us in the local and international communities. We take up offerings and tithes for buildings we can't afford. We talk about growth while forgetting about prayer, friendship, and fellowship. Families are left in the wake of ministry and good ideas. Our children are forgotten while we are so busy with stuff. Children ARE to be the focus when they come into our lives. They aren't to be a nuisance. I don't always see the people who preach practicing the things they speak about. It is incredibly frustrating.

I talk to myself in this too because I am guilty. I am the church. I need to be the change I want to see with a good attitude. I get this. Attitude affects perception. While I am responsible for my actions, I'd like to see others be better too. I want to find the best in people. I'm been searching for a place to attend services in hopes I find things done better. While reading dear ol' Aesop, I came across this:

The Boy who Swam in the River

One warm spring day, a boy was walking along the bank of a river. The water looked so inviting he took his clothes off and dived in. The river current was very strong, and soon the boy was in danger of drowning. Just then a traveler came by. He saw the boy struggling and began to scold him for going swimming in the river so early in the season. 
"Oh, sir!" cried the boy, "pray help me now then scold me later. At a time like this, advice without action is useless."

I spoke to me strongly. I hoping for more from believers. I want believers who go back to the basics of Christianity. Lord, help me find it!

I Lift My Hands

The Robe
By Lloyd C. Douglas

The Casey Anthony case, the anniversary of my dear baby cousin, Samson's birth, and the predictably of the nightly bad news have gotten me down. Humans never learn! We beat our heads against a wall with the excuse we are just trying or we are just human. These excuses give us a reason not to step back from the wall we've banged our heads on to look at the million of other holes from previous generations. We could learn from them.

I recall one humble, blameless, not-so-stupid human who taught and lives the message. He lived in a time when it was popular to pit two men against each other for the mere sport of seeing someone die or bleed for the amusement of large betting crowds. This man lived in a time of massive debt and the taxing of the poor to pay the deficient back. The important men of the that time were corrupt and didn't care about the consequences of their actions. They would go to war for the expansion of their own power/influence. Materialism, sensualism, and self-gratification were advertised as the greatest desires of all humans. It was a time of great advances in technology. Trade between countries was

A birdie parable

Well folks, I'm having a hard time falling asleep thanks to good ol' daylight savings time. I hop this is to your benefit.

My older sister Karly, me and our younger sister,
Destiny at field day or something.

When I first started school, my family lived in a two bedroom town home about ten minutes from the elementary school. My mom had just had my little sister. She had her hands full taking care of my siblings and a in home daycare. Every morning my older sister and I would get ready for school to the sound of toddlers arriving at our house. My mom would feed us a quick breakfast. My older sister would place me on her handle bars and ride her bike to school. It was so much fun for me. The wind in my hair I'd watch the houses and a soccer field speed past. (I'm not so sure my older sister, Karly, felt the same way.) One day the neighbor boy was walking through the soccer field. He heard some thing above him. He looked up and SPLAT! Some seagull poo landed on his forehead. Whenever I see a seagull now, I think of our poor neighbor cleaning poo off his face.


“A farmer went out to sow seed. ⁴ While he was scattering the seed, some of it fell by the road. The birds came and ate all that seed. ⁵Other seed fell on rocky ground, where there was not enough dirt. It grew very fast there, because the soil was not deep. ⁶ But when the sun rose, it burned the plants. The plants died because they did not have deep roots. ⁷ Some other seed fell among thorny weeds. The weeds grew and stopped the good plants from growing. ⁸ But some of the seed fell on good ground. There it grew and made grain. Some plants made 100 times more grain, some 60 times more, and some 30 times more. ⁹ You people who hear me, listen!” 


On Sunday, our pastor preached about the parable of the sower from Matthew 13 (For the rest of the story...). He was discussing the importance of having our hearts prepared for the Lord and how each seed the sower planted had great potential. While his teaching is/was valid, I find this passage of scripture slightly comical. I've heard so many preachers put the different types of soil in a negative tone. I sat there thinking about our neighbor boy and my teacher later that day talking about how seeds are spread. Seeds come in various forms. Some fly before they find a resting place to germinate. Other seeds fall from trees, using their rotting casings to protect them, until they find a safe place to grow. (This is how wild orchards are made.) Sometime birds will eat the seeds. The birds will expel them. The seed will (if it doesn't land on your car or the neighbor boy's face) use the poo as fertilizer to grow.


The entire parable is a testament to the mercy of the Lord. We are all seeds with grand potential. We all come to grow in Christ different ways. Sometimes we need to experience being eaten by the birdies to realize for ourselves we are more than poo. You notice in the allegory above the bird seed didn't "burn up" or "get choked out"? I'd like to think bird fodder became a vineyard or an orchard. The seed was given time to understand it's possibilities with the Lord's help. If you feel you are in a bird's belly and are about to feel like poo, God still see the potency in you.

I resolve...

I received this in my email today. While I don't get the greatest grades (I do try), I can say I get this concept.

My New Year’s Resolution

By Heidi Rogers, mom of two

I am what most people would classify as a perfectionist. Type A. A goody-goody. You know, good grades, hard worker, natural-born leader…all that jazz. When it comes to life, I’ve done things “right.” I set my goals and I accomplish them.
But when it comes to mothering, all that flies out the window. I want to be patient during tantrums in the middle of aisle 12 and during colic at 3 a.m., but I find myself feeling guilty for snapping at the whining and crying over the crying. I forget to change diapers. I give up easily in the battle over vegetables. I want to scream when sleep and naps don’t take place. And sometimes I do scream.

 

"Striving for perfection
and mothering
just don’t mix."

I have never been more humbled than I am as a mother. Striving for perfection and mothering just don’t mix. As appealing as it seems to have it all together and react calmly to every hiccup I encounter, I’ve found I learn more from mistakes and seeking forgiveness. My New Year’s resolution for 2012? No more resolving. Instead, I choose to sit in the place God has placed me, and let Him shape me into the mom I could never be on my own.

  

Dear God, thank you for not expecting me to be the perfect mother. Show me how to step back from striving and let you transform me instead. Amen.

Volcanoes

Some of the most beautiful places on this earth are built upon the most destructive of events.

Kauai, Hawaii

Oia-Santorini, Greece

Giving Thanks

Giving thinks can be tough when your world is spinning like a hurricane. The wind is blowing up dirt in your face. The rain looks like a wall of wet. All you know is that when the eye of the storm comes, there will be a few hours of relief before you get more storm. In the back of your mind, you know this hurricane will only last for a time. The damage its doing will take some time to repair. While I walk through this time with tears running down my face and my hands raised in surrender, I will bless the Lord at all times and his praise shall continually be in my mouth. My soul shall make its boast in you, O Lord...

I am thankful for:

1. God and his word's to live by.
2. My husband
3. The smile and laughter from my little guy.
4. My friend at work who is helping me see God in a new way.
5. A warm and dry place to live.
6. Clothes to wear.
7. Shoes on my feet
8. Food in my fridge and cabinets.
9. The future no matter what it looks like.
10. Hope.
11. Eyes that see. Ears that hear. A nose to smell. A mouth to taste, sing, and shout. Hands to touch.
12. A heart without any known issues.

What can separate us?

There is a chapter in Romans that talks about how nothing can separate us from the love of God. I've heard these verses thousands of times throughout my life. I would become annoyed when I would hear them. I thought of course there is one thing separates us from Christ's love. We can.

For years, I reasoned light and dark don't occupy the same space. When light is found, shadows are made by blocking the light. Bitter and sweet are not usually found together.  East and West are not the same direction. Up is not down.  Closed is not open. Right isn't left. Dogs aren't cats. These things are opposites as are sin and righteousness. Sin will separate us from Christ. I considered other verses I've learned and heard for most of my life to prove the division we can create between our maker and ourselves by having un-forgiven sin in one's life.

It took reading these verses myself to understand it was talking about TRUE unfathomable love. While sin divides us from Christ, it won't and can't detach us from His love. Our maker IS the true essence of love. You know the kind that looks past the storms in your life to see/speak peace. The kind of love that loves the sinner and NOT the sin they commit. This love makes big celebrations out of small victories. This kind of love doesn't sweat the small stuff and yet cares a great deal for the small stuff at the same time. This love is your cheerleader in hard times. Can you hear it? You can do it! You can do it! This too shall pass... You can do it! You can do it! This too shall pass... You can do it! You can do it! This too shall pass... You can do it! You can do it! This too shall pass... I think I shall join Paul in saying, "I'm absolutely convinced that nothing—nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable—absolutely nothing can get between us and God's love because of the way that Jesus our Master has embraced us."

Battle this.

This past week I went to my MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) group. They had a lovely lady there to speak to us about blogging. I realized I hadn't been on here in a couple weeks. I feel like God has been using my job, the soon approaching anniversary of my baby cousin's death, and my busy-ness as a means to wear some rough edges off me. My mom told me once that God will put people in our lives to turn us into river stones. You know the kind of smooth stone you skip across the top of the water. The only way stones become smooth is through the process of unhurried erosion. The water in a river will move over the roughest of rocks to smooth away the cutting edges.

I suppose I have a few more than I thought. Why would anyone willingly submit to being such a difficult process? Honestly, I don't know. Admitting I'm less than I should be will never be easy. I'm called to be my best me. I'll leave perfection to our Creator.

Words can heal or they can take hold of you like a deadly poison. You can be wise. It's all in the learning of when to speak or not. It's always appropriate to be fully honest with the dude who knew you before your 10x Great Grandparents where born. Its important to have a running dialog with him. If you hurt, tell him about it. If you're angry, tell him why. If you feel insignificant, share it with your Maker. If you are insanely excited, talk to him. Can you imagine how big a smile God has? Think of the crazy things kids say to you. I'm sure the Savior's smile literally lights up a room when we come to him. There is a scripture in Romans that says the Lord prays for us. How cool is that? The Guy who knows the secrets of the ENTIRE universe and spoke the most infinitesimal molecule into reality, prays for me and you. He is the guy I want to be pulling for me while those rough spots are smoothed away. The great thing is the Lord has been praying for YOU since time began. Those pains you have. They are gone because God's promises aren't empty. That career you longed for is yours! That loved one who you are missing isn't really that far away. With God big things become very small matters. He shrinks time and the impossibilities in our minds to a couple words: "It is Finished!"

This is just a test...

This is a test. I've been getting some weird stats for my blog. I'm testing it out, so hello world!

Testing 1-2-3...